Here I Am Lord - A Spiritual Journey

The picture above was taken immediately after my ordination -

 June 2013. 

I made my stole with bits and pieces of material, lace, and beads

sent to me by loved ones. This stole is symbolic of how we all

fit together, are connected as well as how our differences

when celebrated and connected create something beautiful. 

I have often been asked why I became a minister.  Here is my response.

“Here I am Lord.” 

The first time I heard this hymn based on the story of Isaiah, I felt as if this was my story. I, too, had heard Spirit calling me; I, too, wanted to answer. However, as a young, Catholic girl answering Spirit’s call was confusing. I knew in my heart that I did not want to be a nun; however, to become clergy, I had to be male. Each time I mentioned wanting to become a priest, I was told not to think such things. If becoming a nun was not appealing, then I should simply concentrate on being a good wife and mother. Nevertheless, in my heart I knew Creator had a mission for me. 

“I have heard You calling in the night. Here I am Lord.” 

Somehow, I knew I was to help others to see the Light within themselves and to know that they were Loved. I understood that all Life is precious and that we are all connected. I knew then, as I know now, with every cell of my being that Love is the answer for all pain, turmoil, disease and conflict. God is Love, and Love is God. Over the years, I have struggled with how to accomplish this calling, this mission. As it says in the hymn, “I will go Lord, if you lead me.” I quickly learned to watch those I admired and follow their example. 

Being a child of the sixties and seventies, there was no end of inspiring, compassionate, charismatic leaders to emulate. As Ellen Tadd said, “When a person is filled with love, light is created.” I could see that light in and around people. I listened to their words and watched their actions. John F. Kennedy was one of the first to catch my eye. At ten, I could only see his vibrancy. I connected with his gentleness as a father and dreamed he was mine. A few years later, Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King kept me on the edge of the living room couch each time they spoke. What they said and how they said it rang true to me. I could dream their dream. Mother Theresa is another example of this type of person. Her compassion, tenacity and strength totally amazed me. 

In addition, having been brought up Catholic, there was no end of saints to emulate. Saints Francis and Anthony lived simple lives and still were able to see the beauty in the smallest of God's creatures. Another of my favorites was St. Theresa, the Little Flower. She performed little kindnesses daily, despite of the ridicule she received from some of the older nuns. She believed that by giving of herself in small ways, she was helping to make the world better. Each small kindness was like a stone dropped into a pool. The effects rippled outward until they reached shore. 

Personally, I saw this play out in my private life through the lens of social justice. My mother was an activist, working in the anti-poverty program in Boston. To be with her, I volunteered at the South Boston Action Center, learning there the ins and outs of social justice work. This experience is the cornerstone for my life’s work. 

A cornerstone needs a solid foundation. I believe that all life’s experiences make up the foundation on which we build and complete our dreams. My experiences have sometimes taken me through difficult and painful times. As the oldest daughter of alcoholic parents, I learned to trust in God. I learned to make the most of the worst situations and to look for silver linings. As the daughter of a chronically ill mother, I learned to have compassion for those in pain. I learned to forgive my parents for their imperfections, thereby, learning to forgive myself when I failed to be my best. 

This type of learning is a continuous process, one that changes daily. Thanks to the many difficulties of my childhood, I learned to be flexible. Oaks are majestic, but in strong winds, they break. I had to be a willow.  
  
Alternately, as the mother of four daughters, I learned to teach, nurse, counsel, nurture, negotiate, feed, clothe, comfort, entertain, respect and detach. Motherhood is the most difficult calling in life, but also the most fruitful. My daughters, as well as my grandchildren bless me, daily. 

Once the foundation is laid, then one can commence to building their dreams. As a non-traditional undergrad and then, graduate student, I learned that it is never too late to learn, that all things are connected and that we must be the change we want to see in the world. As a contemplative educator, I believe that teaching others to see this connection to all life is essential to bringing peace to the world. 

“I will hold Your people in my heart.” 

Interestingly, it was not teaching so much as the work I did in the York Hospital that furthered my desire to minister. As a Reiki practitioner, I met with people during the transitional times of life…birth and death. Being a presence during a birth is one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other. I have been blessed with attending the births of many children, including my grandbabies. 

Death is also a form of birthing. Sitting with someone as they face death, talking to them, holding their hand can only be done if one has found the balance, the strength of faith within them to see that this is but a transition; a journey from one existence to the next. The nurses at York Hospital often called me to help bring peace to those struggling with death. More often than not, shortly after I sat with a terminal patient, they would peacefully transition from this life. I believe that my calm acceptance of death as an integral part of life enabled the patients to find balance. Helping patients find a balance during these transitional times helped me find balance in my life, also. 

I believe that we must have wholeness within ourselves before we can help others become whole. This wholeness must be of mind, body and spirit. The hardest lesson I had to learn was, that in order to help others, I had to first take care of myself. My studies in holistic, integrated medicine have helped give me the tools to balance life.

I am a compassionate, flexible, kind, thoughtful, respectful, intuitive and optimistic person. I listen well and I am learning to become a more active listener. I am developing my skills of discernment and detachment daily. As His Holiness the Dali Lama has said, "Transformation requires constant effort, without losing determination." I am determined to continue my transformation, so that I may best serve those around me. 

“Give them hearts for love alone. I will speak My word to them.” 

My tenacity in continuing on this path has been fueled by a deep, living faith. I believe that faith should be like a balloon, lifting us to higher levels of understanding and connection with Spirit. Too often, I have found that people confuse faith with religious dogma. When this happens, faith becomes an anchor holding a soul down. The inability for an individual to question, search, experience and learn, I believe, causes many to have only a cursory relationship with the Almighty. Like the head of a dysfunctional household, God is feared, not loved. I wish to share the Love of the Infinite with all who cross my path. 

“I will go, Lord” 

For many years, I have felt Spirit calling me to minister. I have witnessed the work of Spirit in and around my life. I have worked to be an open conduit to Spirit and an example of Jesus' teachings in all I do. I know I am supposed to be doing this work. Each time I sit with someone in crisis, each time I have the opportunity to speak from the pulpit, each time I work on a church project, it reminds me that this is my place, right here with my brothers and sisters.

Blessings!