Grudges: How We Hurt Ourselves

Talk to the Hand

(c) 2019 Linda M. Rhinehart Neas

Did you know that holding grudges can make you sick? In a New York Times article, Tim Herrera talks about how people keep grudges and how this can cause them serious illness. 

The opposite of a grudge is forgiveness. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. There are very good reasons why I say this. 

Dr. Frederic Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project said, 

"Holding onto a grudge really is an ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master. That’s the reality of it. Whenever you can’t grieve and assimilate what has happened, you hold it in a certain way. 

“If it’s bitterness, you hold it with anger. If it’s hopeless, you hold it with despair. But both of those are psycho-physiological responses to an inability to cope, and they both do mental and physical damage. 

“The hopelessness shuts down and dampens immune response, leads to some aspects of depression. Anger can have immune implications, it dysregulates the nervous system, it certainly is the most harmful emotion for the cardiovascular system. But you have this top point where something happened that I can’t really deal with, and often we do deal with it somehow, but unskillfully.” 

Forgiveness can be and must be learned. At one time we were taught forgiveness at home and in our schools. Today, while this might still happen, our children are overwhelmed with examples of grudge holding, unforgiving sentiments and downright ugliness towards others. This should be change - forgiveness must be taught in homes, schools and throughout life. 

The Charter for Compassion has an excellent article on the process of learning how to forgive. In the article, they explain that forgiveness involves steps - steps that are important to take if we really want to get to reconciliation. They note some "Key Points about Forgiveness: 

• Process: Forgiveness is not a single magnanimous gesture in response to an isolated offense, but a longer-term, fluid, and ever-changing process where people work towards repairing broken relationships, or broken hearts. 
• Recognition: Forgiveness is about recognizing that life is messy and unpredictable – that we are all fallible human beings capable of messing up. It requires a broad perspective. 
• Empathy: Forgiveness is more than just accepting or letting go, because it requires a degree of empathy or compassion. It is the ability to place yourself in someone else’s life (empathy) and to act according to this empathic connection you feel towards your fellow human beings (compassion). 
• Reconciliation: Forgiveness is different from reconciliation, which requires some kind of peace process and the coming together in unity of two or more formerly hostile sides. Later in the article, they give concrete examples from real life of how this all works."

Furthermore, Dr. Luskin gives one tip that really resonated with me. "Change your story from that of a victim to a more heroic story." 

When we are always a victim, it is easy to hold grudges, because we are constantly thinking about what we don't have, can't do, etc. We have a belief that everyone is out to get us. If this goes on for a lifetime, we end up hating everyone. But, if we see ourselves as tenacious survivors - people who rise above the hurt and pain - then, it is easier to forgive.

Survivors count their blessings. Gratitude enables us to be more compassionate and kinder. Gratitude opens our hearts to allow room for the realization that forgiveness is possible. 

Let me end with the words of the John Prine song, Chain of Sorrow:   

"...it don't do no good to get angry 
So help me I know 
For a heart stained in anger grows weak and grows bitter 
You become your own prisoner as you watch yourself sit there 
Wrapped up in a trap of your very own 
Chain of sorrow."