Joyful Blues

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As we enter the third week of Advent, - the week associated with Joy - we light the pink or rose colored candle. This candle is called the Shepherd's Candle.  Contemplating all this, observing advent, has been more of a chore than in the past. This season, the pain of grief has weighed heavy on my heart and soul, teaching me the true meaning of a Blue Christmas.

This year, I became that last member of my immediate family, when my brother, Barry, died. I am blessed with family still - four daughters, eleven grandchildren, numerous aunts, uncles, cousins - but, my "family" - the family of my childhood - is gone. Never could I have imagined the hole this would cut into your heart and soul.

So, how does one "celebrate" with this profound grief? To be honest, I am taking it one second, minute, hour, day at a time. I look for goodness in the world. Barry, during one of our last times together, asked us all to do good things for each other and the world. Those being some of the last words he spoke to me, I hold them close.

In some ways, I have been blessed to have been raised by a mother who had an irreverent view of death. She often told me, "Why cry when I die? Be happy because I won't be in pain anymore.  Have a party, not a wake."  Barry took this teaching one step further and had a party for friends and family just weeks before he died.  While the party had an undercurrent of sadness, it was full of joy, too.

I remember this. I hold the sadness - the grief - close like a child that has fallen and hurt herself.  But, I also hold Joy. It seems my arms are big enough for both; the yin and yang of life. Joy and heartache sit in the same heart. I wouldn't know one without the other.

Therefore, my observance this week of Joy will be to remember my family - Momma, Daddy, Barry, Timmy and Matt. I will recall the times we spent in joyful pursuits. I will release the pain, disappointment, and  sadness of our times together into the Universe with a prayer that they dissolve into nothingness. Finally, I will look for opportunities to be the Light, the Joy, the Love for others, knowing that in serving those around me, I heal myself.

Blessings, dear Hearts, may Joy fill your days.

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